To play? or not to play?

Jan. 14, 2010
To play? Or not to play?

What happens when you can’t decide what you want? Every time you are alone you feel like you need that person. But then in contrast, every time that person is around you, you feel hatred and repulsed. Bringing back memories of the days when not even the sunlight could brighten your spirits. What do you do when you don’t know what to feel anymore, leaving you splayed across the spectrum of emotions.

Where do you go from here? You’re getting so many signals to just go for it. That maybe there still is a chance to go back to him. You want nothing but to be happy with him, but it’s hard to go for it when every inclination in your body is telling you otherwise. He seems changed, he seems new, but is it enough for me to forgive the past?

I feel like a sitting duck. Just waiting until a tidal wave big enough encourages me to move forward. So what to do? What to do? Do I just send signals back and play the game? Or do I simply just bypass the possibility of disaster and cut my losses?

A fear of rejection: the usual diagnosis from any passing figure. But what if it isn’t only rejection you fear. Sure rejection may hurt, but with time a person heals. What if the thing you fear most is to fall back in love with that person, and make yourself vulnerable again. It’s not rejection that is restraining me from taking a stand, it’s the fear of vulnerability. Vulnerability in knowing that with a snap he can just hurt me like the last time.
So do I stand tall and enter the game like a fierce warrior? Or do I simply bow out with grace and look for another match someday?

Is there ever a middle?

Oct. 29, 2009

Where is the middle?

Where do we go from here. Everyone always says that life is like a roller coaster, one part you’re up and the next you are down. How about that middle part when you’re weightless and still fear the falling part? When does that part exist? I just seems that life has a funny way of either building you up to the highest point, or dropping you so low to the bottom, you feel like you’ve been falling forever.
Almost a year from today, I was probably the happiest person. I was charismatic, energetic, motivated, and somewhat confident for once. I was on that roller coaster slowly ascending. Just with each passing day, I felt like I was indestructible, I had someone special in my life. Finally someone that understood me, someone I could share everything with, someone I could love and care for. But I guess when you give your all, sometimes that just isn’t enough for people.
For months, my roller coaster was stuck. Stuck at the top of that highest peak waiting to come barreling down. I just didn’t expect it to fall so fast. As I’m speeding down that track, I feel like one thing is leading to another, and all the sudden the brakes are gone and the car is out of control.